What does imposter syndrome feels like? Do you struggle with self-doubt and fear? Do you fear rejection throughout your life so much, and take it so personally? Imposter syndrome is real, and it sucks. It even hits the most accomplished people, like Cynthia Gouw.
Cynthia Gouw is a modern-day polymath: an Emmy-award winning journalist, top model, actress, spokesperson, lawyer, entrepreneur, community activist, and rising social media star. From starring in Star Trek to walking the Paris and New York catwalks to reporting from around the globe, Cynthia’s life is one of perseverance and breaking boundaries. In her deeply personal talk, Cynthia reveals how she turned rejection into reinvention and ultimately, found her own unique voice.
Learn more about Cynthia Gouw:
Visit her website 👉🏻 www.cynthiagouw.com
Below is our edited transcript of Cynthia Gouw’s talk, “Overcoming Personal Fear,” at the Imagine Talks Annual Symposium.
Hi, I’m Cynthia Gouw. If you’ve ever wanted to make your living being rejected, pursue an acting career.
I was an actress in Hollywood and you just live with rejection. People see the glamorous side, but most of the time you’re getting the big thumbs down. Of course, dealing with rejection over and over again can seriously make you question your abilities, which turns into a cycle of fear and dread.
And then something happened to me that gave me great insight. In fact, it was one of the most seminal moments of my life. One of my dear friends was producing a movie, and she asked me to assist her with casting of the actors, so I got to be on the other side of the table. And as I watched from the driver’s seat, I saw actors who performed brilliantly. They acted their hearts out. They were perfection. I was mesmerized by their performances. But then I had a sudden jolt back to reality.
It dawned on me: even though I’d seen dozens of extremely talented actors, all but one would be rejected. It was a huge “Aha!” moment for me. I realized that no matter how well you performed, our rejection wasn’t always personal. There were so many factors in play that you can’t control. It’s often not an indictment of your abilities at all. You might not have been right for the role. You might have been too old, too young, too tall, or too short.
We fear rejection so much and take it so personally
Isn’t it true throughout our lives you fear rejection so much and take it so personally? Yet the rejection had nothing to do with you: it simply just wasn’t your time or place yet. And this revelation freed me and helped me to not fear rejection, but instead face and embrace it, because often this gives you your greatest opportunity for growth.
I’m about to share with you things that I’ve never shared publicly before about my early career: stories of defeat and extreme rejection, but also turning points in my life where I’ve been able to reinvent myself over and over again and define myself in a way that makes my voice heard.
But before all of this happened to me, I was mired in self-doubt and fear. I was born into a culturally complex household. I’m from a Chinese family that emigrated from China to Indonesia, and then from Indonesia to Holland, and then from Holland to the United States. Growing up in the U.S., we lived in what seemed to be four cultures: Chinese, Dutch, Indonesian, and American. I would have a Dutch breakfast, an American lunch, and a Chinese dinner, and on weekends, we would enjoy Indonesian food. Our cultural lives were American movies, European operas and museums, and Chinese holidays. This gave me a rich cultural history.
But in each of them, we never quite fit in. We embraced our newfound culture like insiders, but we were always made to feel like outsiders: not Chinese, Dutch, Indonesian or American enough. Because of this, I never felt like I belonged, which ironically gave me more license to break boundaries and do the unexpected, because the tightly defined boxes that people wanted to put me in? I didn’t fit into [it], anyway.
To overcome imposter syndrome, you have to be willing to take risks
Also, when I was growing up, you’re expected to stay in your lane, your well-defined box, and toe the line, so to speak. Doing lots of different careers was frowned on. And, there was no such thing as being a multi-hyphenate. When my family arrived here in America in 1960, we had big dreams, just like many recent immigrants. To have success here in the U.S. is finding your way, fighting discrimination, helping others, and also wrangling the self-doubt in ourselves.
That self-doubt can be haunting. People who take risks, who have no fear or no self-doubt, seem to be born with this natural talent, right? I mean, to do something different and new, you have to be willing to risk and overcome your self-doubt. And when I think about self-doubt, I think about fear of oneself and one’s abilities and how others might view you. And more precisely, I think about three fears, which I and probably many of you have faced— the fear of criticism, the fear of rejection, and the fear of ridicule.
These three fears can be so paralyzing. They can prevent you from pursuing your dreams. They can prevent you from having a life you’ve always dreamed of. These fears make you hesitate to put yourself out there, fearing all the bad things that could happen to you, or most definitely will happen to you. I’ve had fears of these three things and they could have torn me down. And they did.
Embracing your fears and turn them into strengths
I was the shyest kid in first grade. Hard to believe today, but I rarely spoke and was scared of my own shadow. I never raised my hand in class and when I was called on, I was speechless or rather voiceless. I was intimidated by all the kids in class who seemed brighter, more outgoing and more self-assured. My immigrant parents were wonderfully supportive then, as they are now, and my mother in particular wanted to empower me.
Even as a recent immigrant to America, my mother quickly assimilated the prevailing attitudes of UC Berkeley and the women’s movement in the 1960s, and she was also the eldest of the eldest of the eldest of the eldest daughter, going back four generations. And because of this, she wanted to empower me with the sanctity of my own voice. She would make a fist and tell me in her cute accent, “Women’s rights: you have to speak up!” As an immigrant, she knew I must embrace my fear and turn that into a strength to succeed because success is a lot about facing your fears or criticism, rejection, and ridicule over and over again.
While I attended high school in El Segundo, California, in the late 70s, early 80s, I was called a “gook” and a “chink” every single day by the same two boys. It was the ridicule I hated because they were attacking something that I couldn’t change: my race and my ethnicity. I had no agency over it, which made me feel powerless. I simply had no control, so I sought to gain control over my situation. Ridicule became my motivator.
Becoming motivated by ridicule and imposter syndrome
Deep inside, I realized that if I created accomplishments that were concrete, that could become my label, a label that I chose. It could be something that I stood for and no one could ridicule that, no one could take that away.
At UCLA, I submerged myself in Asian-American issues. We marched on Hollywood Boulevard against racist movies and television, and later, during law school, we marched to protest against limits on affirmative action. I am so inspired by the leaders who fight for our communities and make America a better place. Now, during this time, I was working full time as a model, which helped support me through law school.
There are mostly blonde, blue-eyed girls, and very few people who looked like me. And because you are new and different, you will undoubtedly face more criticism, more rejection, and more ridicule. But if you succeed, you will be more memorable.
I had the great fortune of becoming the first Asian-American to win on the nationally syndicated TV talent show, Star Search. Many young people tried their luck on this show, including Justin Timberlake, Beyoncé, and Christina Aguilera. But when I auditioned for this show the year before, I was roundly rejected. I didn’t even make it on the show. So I decided to get up, dust myself off and try again the next year. I ended up making it on the show and then I went on for the big win.
So if you ever face rejection, the door isn’t completely shut: you just have to keep on barreling in. Just ask Justin, Beyoncé, and Christina.
Imposter syndrome: you get better at embracing your fears as you face them over and over again
Later, when I got into acting, there were very few roles for Asian-Americans, I was often called back but rarely got the part. I was either too Asian, or not Asian enough, and most of the characters were subservient roles where they had no control over their own destiny. But there were other juicy, once-in-a-lifetime roles that transcended race.
I was one of 2,000 women who auditioned for a starring role in the movie Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. It was a harrowing process. I got called back eight times. I had already experienced law school interviews where six law partners would fire questions at me all at once. But this last and final audition for this movie was at a whole different level. There were 25 people in that room. I think my mindset at that time was one of fear, but also one that I realized that if I got rejected and I didn’t fit what they wanted and there was no way I could control that. And I have to say, despite that, it was a nail-biter for sure.
But, you know, if you face your fears over and over again, you simply get better at embracing them, which can lead to self-discovery and growth and also lead you to fulfilling your wildest dreams. I loved Star Trek as a kid, and now I got to sit next to my childhood crush, Leonard Nimoy. And the filming experience, it was transporting, literally and figuratively.
Working with imposter syndrome
Yet after the filming ended, they dubbed over my original voice, which made my performance seem disjointed somehow and not at all what I intended it to be. I felt as if I was voiceless once again, and I realized I needed to have more control. I wanted to call the shots, I wanted to frame my own destiny. I’ve always loved telling stories and understanding how the world works. So I risked it all again and took the plunge into a journalism career.
I was one of the first hosts on E! Entertainment Television, but it felt empty to me, especially with a celebrity gossip and the silliest stories that we covered. I wanted to be a storyteller, in charge of directing my own script, and I tried to find a more meaningful experience as a hard-news journalist. Despite my law degree and my on-camera experience, nobody wanted to hire me. My idealism and wanting to work in this field was certainly more powerful and stronger than my pride because I finally finagled my way into a job working in one of the smallest TV markets in the country in Bakersfield, California, making six dollars an hour.
Each morning at 4 a.m., I would open the station with an old key. The newsroom was empty. I would write the newscast myself and try to memorize it as best as I could. My anchor desk was actually an old kitchen stool and my face illuminated by clip-on lamps purchased at Home Depot. Each week, I would send my tapes of myself on the anchor chair to my big TV agent in Los Angeles, and he would say, “Your lighting. It’s horrible. And why are you reading off the page and not looking at the camera?”
Facing criticism, rejection, and ridicule constantly
I would say, “Because I have no teleprompter.” Usually, people stay in these small markets like Bakersfield for around two years to learn everything and make all their mistakes there. But after just two months, I got hired to be the weekend news anchor in Dallas, Texas, one of the biggest media markets in the country. My meteoric rise—more than 100 media markets—was unprecedented and the top industry Rag variety magazine covered my story. And it also turned out to be the worst career move in my life.
I was the first Asian-American news anchor in North Texas. It was thrilling to be the first, even though people didn’t have a clue who I was. My favorite memory was flying in a chopper to cover a story in West Texas. As we landed in a desolate parking lot, I could see the upturned faces of 30 eager children waiting my arrival. I felt like landing royalty until they started screaming, “Connie Chung, Connie Chung,” because I had such a breathtaking rise to this top media market, I was completely green.
I had no idea what I was supposed to do, I had never done a live shot because there were no live trucks in Bakersfield. I never used a teleprompter because we didn’t have one in Bakersfield, nor was I used to facing intense deadlines. I didn’t understand the role of a producer or even how to report. Because of my inexperience, I faced criticism, rejection, and ridicule constantly. But I understood why it was happening. I realized that it just wasn’t my time or place yet.
Don't let your fears hold you back
What I needed was a redo—a reinvention. And I left Dallas after one year and went to Sacramento, where I put my nose to the grindstone and worked and learned— it paid off. I got a record number of awards, including three Emmys. After Sacramento, I went to San Francisco feeling on top of my game. And then one day, I came back to the office and I got a voicemail, I listened to this woman methodically eviscerate me. She attacked my writing, my delivery, my facial expressions, everything that made me— me.
She didn’t leave a name, she didn’t leave her number. But she clearly was in the news business and knew her stuff. At first, I was so mad, I was so insulted. But as the weeks rolled on, I slowly realized her criticisms were actually spot on. There was much that I could improve. Her ranting on me, her warranted criticism, was something that was invaluable to me. It kept me growing, it made me better, it was an unexpected and much needed life gift.
In my decades-long news career, I have covered more than 100 murders. I’ve also been one of the few journalists to be selected to witness a state execution at San Quentin. These numbers are not something to be proud of. But, when you cover stories and people who are facing the most challenging and miserable of circumstances, it really does put your life in perspective. You realize that the personal fears that are holding you back seem a hell of a lot smaller and surmountable.
Conquering personal fears and imposter syndrome
I felt I had mastered this mindset. But then, I faced my biggest personal challenge yet, which put all of this to the test. I was set up on a blind date where I met my future husband who lived across the country. I risked it all and moved to Philadelphia to be with him, leaving my family, friends, and job. I instantly became unemployed, friendless, and a stepmother. Crazy times, but he and his kids have been so worth it.
I didn’t want to get back into the daily grind of TV news again, and despite my many awards, I was straight back at the bottom. I answered a Craigslist ad to host a public affairs type show and one of the tiniest TV stations in the area. It was a two-potted plants kind of show, but being prideful is not me. I had absolutely no experience in talk shows and I felt the risk was worth it. With the first show I produced, I won for the best TV talk show in the state. Not bad for two-potted plants.
I later became a recognized entrepreneur and became the number one non-sports blogger in the region. I started modeling again, this time in New York City, thanks to a changing demand for older, more confident women. Then my husband and my young daughter and I moved back to the San Francisco Bay Area, and now I’m officially the oldest person on Tik Tok.
And at this point, I don’t give a crap what anyone thinks.
“Do one thing every day that scares you.” —Eleanor Roosevelt
You know, my daughter comes from a long line of warrior women because she is the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter of the eldest daughter, going back six generations. Because of this, I tell her, “There is power in your voice. You have an enduring legacy. If you choose to face and embrace your fears, it will take you down a road of growth and success and ultimately reinvention.”
One of my favorite quotes is from Eleanor Roosevelt, and it sits on a precious place on my desk:
“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
Thank you.
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